The Transformational Act of saying, "I love you."

Despite growing up in a loving family of six, I can’t recall any of us ever saying “I love you.” My father was a physician and my mom was a homemaker. Until age differences and high school activities got in our way, on most nights we sat down to dinner together, heard about each other’s days and laughed a lot. We cheered each other on at sporting events, listened reverently at recitals, and tried not to fall asleep at plays. 

We had petty arguments and childish disagreements that were typical of any family. Stubbornness usually made its way back to generosity by day’s end, but occasionally it took the better part of a week to dissipate. 

We were close and loving. Yet, I can’t recall any of us ever saying “I love you” to each other.

Outside of a romantic relationship, my first experience hearing “I love you” was about twenty years ago while working with an executive coach. At the end of an especially tough session, one where I wrestled with my weaknesses and areas for improvement, she looked deeply into my eyes and said, “I love you, James.”

I was taken aback. I felt uncomfortable, but not in a negative way. My instinct wanted to deflect and reply with a simple, “I love you too.” Before I could, she continued, “I really do, James. I love you.”

I sat still and let the warmth fill my heart. I teared up. It felt so good to hear those words and let them sink in. I felt so seen. So appreciated. Just for who I already was, not for who I was working to become.

Fast forward to the present-day with my wife and our twin 12-year-old daughters. Like my family of origin, we sing in the car, cheer at games and laugh together at dinner. We forgive each other when we say things we don’t mean, or we offend each other.

And we say, “I love you” a lot. And I mean a lot. Yesterday I counted sixty-two “I love yous” by the end of the day. And that didn’t include a half-dozen “I love yous” outside of the four of us.

You’re probably thinking, “that many ‘I love yous’?” How weird!

Maybe it is. But I wouldn’t change it for one second.

Why is saying “I love you” so transformational?

It deepens relationships by generating connection. Our egos strive to be better than others, or different. In doing so we create separateness. When saying “I love you,” to someone, our hearts bond and we relate as equals, without hierarchy.  

As a nightly ritual, my daughters say “I love you” to each other before bed, even if they are bickering or haven’t resolved an argument. Same goes for my wife and me. This is our practice of saying, “I might be mad at you right now. Or I know your faults and you know mine. But we love each other above it all.” We feel safe, secure, and connected.

Looking back on my childhood, if my brother and I had adopted the same practice, we would have gained a few-decade head start on the deep relationship we have today. It’s difficult to hold a grudge and say “I love you” at the same time.

It deepens your relationship with yourself. Want to try something challenging? Stand in front of a mirror, look deeply into your own eyes, smile, and say “I love you.” Hold your gaze for five full seconds. If you’ve never tried it, it’s almost impossible to do without looking away.

I challenge you to get good at it. Why?

Because you’ll increase your capacity to love. Psychologists hold that we are only able to give to others what we are capable of giving to ourselves first. Want to be more loving, forgiving, or compassionate toward others? Become more loving, forgiving, and compassionate with yourself.

It wasn’t until I was given the gift of “I love you” by my coach in my late thirties, that I embarked on the practice of loving myself. I became more accepting of myself, and therefore others. I began loving my imperfections and began to embrace others just for who they are. It set me up to unconditionally love my daughters uniquely for who they are, not for who I might wish them to be.

It makes you happier. The harder we try to be loved, the deeper our unhappiness. As a teenager, even in a day without social media, I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to prove my worth to attract love. Not only was it a fool's-errand, it was also exhausting. I wish I knew then what I know now - that path to greater meaning and joy is in the giving of love, not the receiving of love. 

The ultimate scorecard in life is not what have I achieved, or accumulated, but how have I loved and whose lives have I touched?

It impacts others. Fifty years removed from those family dinners growing up, my siblings and I recently visited our 83-year-old mother. She’s in the bottom of the ninth inning in her battle with Alzheimer’s. She can no longer eat on her own and cannot form any words. Her ability to recognize us comes and goes. She looks at us inquisitively, wondering, we think, who are you?

We sat with her and told stories of our past, laughing and reminiscing. She listened, occasionally nodding when something we said triggered in her memory. In one instance when we got to the punch line of a funny story, she instinctively, albeit briefly, chuckled – right on cue.

A remarkable moment came near the end of our visit when my sister looked in my mom’s eyes and said, “I love you, mom.” Incapable of thinking and only occasionally able to react, my mom leaned forward toward us, smiled in a way not seen in a year, and began to cry. While neither my brother or my sisters are neuroscientists, we all watched as the words “I love you” bypassed the tangled threads of her mind and filled her heart with warmth.