Escaping My Strait-jacket

One commitment at a time

Dear Aly and Bella,

You’re twelve now and I’m writing to ask a favor. 

First, let me start with a story.
—
“What is she thinking about me?” the committee of insecurities in my head wondered.

We embraced. Her fragrance was lovely. Under her breath she whispered in my ear, “We’re in trouble.”

The committee, confused by her apparent attraction to me, retreated into my subconscious.

Six weeks earlier on Christmas morning, I found the gift of your mom under my tree when eHarmony matched us. She lived in Seattle, me in Boise. Countless emails and conversations later, we exchanged photos. We flipped a coin on whether she’d come to me or me to her. She won and came my way – gave her a sense of control she said.

When the airport security doors opened and she walked through, my heart did a somersault. My throat dried. The photos she shared grudgingly, weeks after I shared mine, didn’t come close. Her eyes sparkled. Her smile dared me to fall further in love with her.

We spent the weekend together sharing deep conversations and desserts. For seventy-two hours, time stood still or didn’t seem to exist at all.

Athletes describe a timeless experience as the zone. Psychologists define the zone as becoming so present, so ‘at one’ with the moment, that conscious awareness of time disappears. When this happens, they believe the ego fades away and the depth of your being, your soul, becomes completely in tune with your surroundings.

Eighteen years have passed since that timeless weekend with your mom, and I find myself smack dab in the center of over-committed mid-life, worlds away from any timeless flow. My relationship with time feels exhausting. Complicated. Vexing. 

Sweeties, sometimes you bear the brunt of this, like when I’m not fully present, preoccupied with what I need to do next. I’m sorry.

You usually say, “It’s OK dad.”

It isn’t, really. I can be a better role model for you and with some changes we can find our way into the zone more often.

Let me say a little more.

Over the years, my friendships broadened in number and deepened in meaning. My volunteer activities swung from participation to leadership. My small business blossomed into a bigger business with employees. My caring for you in diapers and with baby wipes morphed into coaching basketball and attending recitals.

Without realizing it, the sum of my commitments compounded gradually, and then suddenly, into a strait-jacket on my time.

You might wonder about my fixation on saving time – hunting for shorter lines at the store or a faster route to a destination. Riding a scooter to work instead of walking to save ten minutes? To what aim you ask? So I can pack something else into the sliver of captured time?

Or you might wonder about my preoccupation with being on time. Getting you up each morning on time. Getting to school on time. Getting to work on time. Starting and ending Zoom meetings on time. Getting you to bed on time. All in an effort to ensure we don’t waste time.

Meanwhile, my soul has been whispering to me, asking for reflective time. For quiet time. The polite whispers have turned into rebellious shouts as my soul has upped the ante to get my attention. 

The time has come to begin wresting myself out of the strait-jacket - slowly, decidedly, one rigorous choice at a time.

Going forward I am no longer worrying about being on time. Instead I am shifting my focus to what I spend time on.

I am listening to my soul - hearing what is most important, what is essential to nourishing who I am and what I love. Time with you both, playing games, helping with homework, enjoying vacations, and spontaneously having fun are at the top of the list. So is opening up the opportunity to rediscover timeless time with mom. 💕

I am unmaking promises and retiring commitments that were right for their time when made, but no longer serve what is critical today.

Sweethearts, as you move into adulthood it is important to ask yourself the question I forgot to keep asking myself over the years, “How much does your ‘yes’ mean if you aren’t able to say ‘no’?” 

I can see now that I fell into the trap of saying yes too many times, half-heartedly, when I didn’t really mean it. New promises will be made only when my heart and my soul are a full-throated “yes.” My time will be spent in service to, rather than in lieu of what nourishes me.

Which brings me to a question.

Will you help hold me accountable for taking off the strait-jacket?

If so, simply ask me these questions each Sunday night: 

1. What promises have you unmade this week?

2. What promises have you made this week?

3. What does your soul say?

I love you more today than all other days combined. 💖💖

Dad